A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
his wife is probably gonna see that
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.