Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.