Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people