If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.