I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”