In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
You Might Also Like
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.