Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.