Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
You Might Also Like
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Basketball
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.