[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.