Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.