[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.