My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over


When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?


Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher


Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?


To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.


Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move


9yo: (mouths off to me)


Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.


Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.