I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The Joker was right
the three branches of government
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano