what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
tag yourself
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.