Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.