CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
i would wish you the best but i am the best
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long