馃槀馃槀
You Might Also Like
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
It鈥檚 her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I鈥檝e been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece鈥nd another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I鈥檓 still waiting on that dance.
They鈥檙e playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that鈥檚 going to dissuade me.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
i don鈥檛 own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it鈥檚 entirely imaginary.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?