Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
all that yoga finally paid off
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied