@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

@KizerBillhelm

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@KizerBillhelm

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.