Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
bias laundering edition
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
We avoided this particular disaster
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
☺️
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.