My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.