interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.