Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?