jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
time for some seasonal decor
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no