Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
found this cool rock hiking today
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*