*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Best mom ever 😂
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat