(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
the three branches of government
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Realize this:
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks