When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.