Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?