*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You Might Also Like
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.