Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”
*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one