“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
This line from Airplane.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.