*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
no one likes gloating
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*jazz hands*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.