‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I really had high hopes for this year though
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
one of
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.