Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
i prefer mine room temperature.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.