I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*lint rolls you awake*
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
sry
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water