ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
this has done me in for some reason
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?