ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.