A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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it must be school picture day
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Terribly Tuesday.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.