@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@LackOfShame

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

@LackOfShame

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.