You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.