[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.