Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.