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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Not today
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR