What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
incredible text to wake up to
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
how was your vacation
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me after drinking all the wine: