“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Best seat on the street 😍
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.