The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.