Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Art by Pastelkatto
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Jogging
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.