Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
I’ve disappointed better people.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.