Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.