I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.